Feel Like Cheating?

Ok, you’re in a relationship and you love him dearly. There are days when the very thought of him makes you smile followed by the urge to call him on the phone even though you just spoke an hour ago. Then there are days when you wonder if the grass is greener on the other side; if you can cheat without getting caught. If Luther Vandross was right when he sang, “If only for one night?” And scene……….

I know I’m not the only one who has ever thought of cheating on her partner. If I am, oh well; at least I’m not ashamed to admit it. There are many reasons why women contemplate cheating on her mate. If he’s good to her or if she wants to “accidentally” push him into traffic, a woman’s rationale often remains the same. Here are a few reasons why women cheat:

1.      The other man listens – Women swoon and get moist whenever a man takes the time to genuinely listen to her. It’s like the green pill in the Matrix. We’ve chosen right and nothing could be further from wrong.

2.      He’s rich – A woman loves a man who can provide for her. She goes into a situation of accepting money from a man knowing she may not initially have to drop her panties, but if she plays her cards right the game will last long enough for her to get money to solve some of her financial woes.

3.      He’s handsome – Sometimes lust will get the best of us. Men aren’t the only ones who are visual beings. Yeah, there are times when we just want to taste the forbidden fruit too.

4.      He’s younger – When women get to a certain age having a younger man hit on her makes her feel youthful again. She wants to prove she can still make a man’s toes curl and scream out her name in sheer bliss before she sends him home to his rap CD’s and video games.

At the end of the day, I find myself and other women to be very loyal to their man. Although we may think of cheating, we seldom do. Trust, every time we walk down the street, stare aimlessly on the train, smirk at the television or fidget when reading a magazine we are thinking about a meaningless rendezvous. Those thoughts only last for a few minutes out of the day because when all is said and done, we return back to the one we love….our man!

SMOOCHES DOLLS

Purchase my latest book "A Love I Can Trust."
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Assertive or Submissive? What's her Preference?

As an author of two bestselling novels (A Love I Can Trust and The Seasons of Love), readers have often described my books as lustful, romantic, sultry and risqué.  Readers have said my books either have them feeling ashamed of the passionate feelings that may arise or wanting to be more adventurous in the bedroom with their partners. So, do women prefer to be submissive or assertive in intimacy? What’s her preference? And scene………..

My two books have sparked some very entertaining conversations. A large percentage of women find themselves transformed from being the engrossed innocent reader to becoming my last book’s main character; Alexa, a reflection of today’s sexually uninhibited femme-fatale. She chooses how many times she will be intimate with her partner, where the rendezvous will take place, where he should touch her and even how long he should take getting her to climax. Some may call this controlling but guess what? Women of the new millennium call it “Finally Gettin’ Mines!”

The role of women in the bedroom has changed for those who are in the age-group of 25-50. This age-group covers women who were born from the 1960’s through the late 1980’s. Many blame the huge gender shift on the 1960’s, as it was described as being one of the most controversial decades in American history. From empowering songs such as Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” to Kelis who screamed, “I hate you so much right now!” it is undeniable that those years are emblematic of a new kind of female consciousness.

I can’t understand why people are surprised when women are more assertive of their intimacies. Does this scare men? YES!! They internalize the change in paradigm shifts as if we are trying to minimize and negate their presence. Not the case my strong, sexy men. As we become more assertive in the bedroom, we want you to match our zest and adventure as well. No, you’re not the only one smacking our gluteous maximus, we are smacking yours too. We are telling him to dance for us. We are telling him to sit back and watch while we teach him what pleases us! So yeah, women prefer being more assertive in intimacy and we are loving it!! Smooches.

www.SBPRA.com/SanyaHudson-Payne

Should You Text Him Back?

In today’s day-and-age, communication between a man and woman who are courting (remember that term?) has changed drastically. Remember the day when you would be on the phone for hours talking to your boo and at the end of the conversation, you would say, “Hang up” and he’d say, “No you hang up first”? Those days are long gone with jherri curls, Lee jeans and Lotto sneakers. Yeah I took it back. Now, texting has become the new normal making it harder to decipher if he’s really into you. Here are some scenarios to think about before you text him back. Or not. And scene……..

Scenario #1:  YOU text him and HE responds 6-12 hours later.

Answer:  Yes, text him back.

Why?:  It could be that he’s really not feeling you or maybe he was just busy. However, don’t act

like some eager teenager when responding. Fall back and wait a few hours too. I don’t consider this

as game playing: it's simply giving him what he gave you.....time lapse.

Scenario #2: YOU text him and HE responds more than 24 hours later.

Answer: No! Don’t you lift one pretty manicured finger.

Why?: Ms. Honey, he’s not feeling you! Don’t even fall for the “I was busy” crap. He only returned

your text to be polite and keep you in his rotation.

Scenario #3: YOU ask him a question and HE doesn’t answer it when responding.

Answer: No!

Why?: This means he isn’t even remotely interested in keeping the conversation going. His mind is

elsewhere and yours should be at this point too.

Scenario #4: YOU call and HE texts you back.

Answer: Yes.

Why?: He may just be a little shy. Just remind him that you would rather hear his voice.

So there you have it ladies. No need to be in a quandary about this ever-changing “getting to know

a man’s” lifestyle. All of the signs are there. Lead with your brain and not with your emotions.

SMOOCHES!

www.SBPRA.com/SanyaHudson-Payne

What Are Some Sacrfices Women Make For Men?

As a successful woman in the 21^st Century, I can honestly say, the journey up to this point has been plagued with decision after decision. Some decisions were so difficult to make, they often made me depressed. And even when I professed my decision, there were times I belted it out in anger, frustration and unwillingness. So what sacrifices have women made? Here goes. And scene…….

1.      Accepting the Dream Job – There are times when women accept entry-level jobs knowing a promotion is inevitable and then BAM, when we’re asked to move up the corporate ladder we say, “No” because if we are a mother or wife, the family faces repercussions.

2.      Having More Children – What can we do when the “shop” is closed but he wants more children? 7 times out of 10 having more children affects our bodies and self-esteem.

3.      Relocating – In most cases if a man has his job relocated the whole family would move but if it is the woman, they might not necessarily move. She would find another job.

4.      Furthering her Education – When a woman has a baby, as beautiful as that may be, there is a hold on her studies.

5.      Appearance – This one is a superficial reality. She wants to be skinny with short hair and wear a particular color lipstick but he wants her with more meat on her bones, long hair and no make-up at all.

6.      Social Life – He hates your friends and forbids you to go out with them. To keep the peace in the relationship, she limits her girl-outings until at some point they become obsolete.

Women should choose to pursue the interests in which she is passionate about. When she doesn’t, it is denial of herself; the killing of her soul, not a sacrifice that she is making. If a woman does gather the courage to go against the expectation of her ‘sacrifices,’ she is immediately branded as selfish. Only very few women remain courageous and stand their ground and pursue their passion despite the resistance. To those women, I salute you. For those who haven’t found their courage, I encourage you. Smooches Dolls!

www.SBPRA.com/SanyaHudson-Payne

Misconceptions Women Have About Men

As a woman, I have participated in countless sister-girl circles where we have laughed at our experiences, cried or offered advice when discussing men. These rare moments offer solace to our experiences as we share our thoughts amongst true friends, ride-or-die women and often the dependable shoulder we seek when needing an outlet. You wouldn’t believe the misconceptions we put on the proverbial table to discuss. Here are a few. And scene………….

1.       When cheating it’s all her fault and not his.

Mature women who are confident in themselves know it’s totally his fault. Yeah, the woman may have pursued him, stroked his ego and tickled his fancy (literally) but at the end of the day, he decided to cheat. Mature women may have a conversation with the other woman, but trust and believe any meaningful conversations and actions will be reserved for HIM.

2.       Having fat pockets is equivalent to a generous heart.

Yes, he has money but that doesn’t mean he wants to spend it all on you. Sometimes women look at a man’s bank account and she begins to calculate all of the expensive things he is going to lavish her with. Not true. His money is his money and yours is yours; unless you’re married and I strongly suggest you work out all the financial details prior to saying, “I do.”

3.       When he says, “I love you” he means it.

Ladies, for those of you living in la-la-land, get closer to the screen so my right hand can smack you upside your gullible head. Be leery of men who are quick to profess their love. For some reason they think saying those three words will mean we will give them the nookie. Or, it may mean he is moving too fast and trying to make a commitment before you’re ready. Personal story:  I had a man tell me he loves me in one week. What was he after? Me! To him I was an unattainable prize and he wanted to see how quick he could get me and brag to his friends. Boy was he sorry he came up with that plan.

4.       All men are dogs.

No, they all aren’t dogs. Just the ones breathing LOL. Just joking. Ladies, all men are not dogs. We really need to stop judging them based on the bad experiences we’ve had in the past. Give each new encounter a clean slate. We don’t like to be judged and neither do they.

5.       He wants a submissive partner.

No! He just wants one who is willing to compromise. One who doesn’t nag and breathe fire when he makes a mistake.

6.       Men only want skinny women.

Some men may want a skinny woman however, many love women with curves; just not curves that blurs their vision. I have found most men don’t want a walking poster child for heart disease and high blood pressure due to obesity.

So ladies, am I right about our misconceptions regarding men? Men, did you know we assume these things about you? Now, get on back out there because the way relationships are going many women would rather eat ice cream. Matter of fact, we want to put the ice cream on you! LOL. SMOOCHES

www.SBPRA.com/SanyaHudson-Payne

Men: If You Treat Her Nice, She''ll Walk All Over You

I have heard countless men say women wouldn’t know a good man if he rang her doorbell and wore a sign that read “I’m a good man.” Let me dispel this blatant lie that was more than likely fabricated by a man who is probably single and bitter.  The sad part is, men have bought into this deception and place their insecurities on women having us believe we are the ones who prefer bad boys. Not! And scene…..

Men.  And I am referring to a male who is 21 and older, handles his life responsibly and has the common sense to decipher a little girl from a woman. You have it all wrong; little girls who are still struggling with self-esteem and control issues prefer boys who treat them poorly. Little girls get a kick out of a man who brings unnecessary drama into her life. I’m not placing any blame on them. Not at all. Honestly, they misconstrue love because they don’t know what love is having never seen or experienced it for themselves. Now a woman on the other hand handles this differently. She expects and demands all men to treat her with respect; to honor her as she honors him in return.

I think many people misconstrue a woman who likes a man who has a little “bad boy” in him. Let me explain. Many women like men who possess a certain je ne sais quio. A man who is comfortable in the boardroom and yet can hang out with the fellas easily adjusting his swag to his environment.  A man whose number of tailored suits is equivalent to the jeans hanging in his closet.  A man who doesn’t break out in a cold sweat when he’s walking in certain neighborhoods or refers to people as “them” just because their colloquial speech is different.

 I recently listened to someone tell me I like bad boys. Initially, I tried to explain my preference then I laughed remembering I had nothing to defend. I like a man who values me and what I bring to the table. Yes, we must share similar backgrounds. I grew up in the inner city, obtained a college degree and excel in the most professional environments. Then when my day is done, I change my clothes into something more….comfortable and kick it with my girls. So, if I want a man who is equipped with the same does that make me a bad girl?

Saying women prefer guys who treat them badly is a misnomer. Another weak ploy to have women believing the majority of us are single because we keep choosing bad boys. Let me turn the tables around, if the majority of women keep choosing bad boys, why are there so many bad boys out there? What does that say about the overall state of men? Smooches Dolls.

Purchase my latest 5 star read "A Love I Can Trust" today.

I Don't Care What He Thinks. I'm Wearing My Headscarf to Bed.

OMG!!!!!! I’ve spoken at countless seminars on the topic of relationships and one topic that always comes up: Should I Wear My Headscarf to Bed? To all of my Dolls out there, do whatever works for you. I just know what works best for ME. And Scene………….

It’s time for you and your partner to go to sleep and this may be the first time you’ve slept overnight at his place. Of course you want to keep it cute and sexy. Hell, that silk teddy, lace undies and alluring scent you strategically placed all over your body confirms that. So why would you want to mess it up by putting on your Aunt Jemima headscarf? I’ll tell you why? As an African American woman, I’m really not trying to mess up my hair. He wants it cute? How can I keep it cute for him if I wake up in the morning with edges and a kitchen that’s all sweated out? Not cute at all!

I totally understand that men like women to be visually tantalizing and what woman doesn’t want to be? But dammit, something’s gotta give. Men, you can’t have it both ways! How about we turn the headscarf issue into a sexy little game? Can you pretend I’m the Queen of Zamunda? How about you tie it around my head as a reminder of how you just tied me up moments before? Let’s get creative and stop expecting me to do come to bed with flowing hair and then the next day I have to pay for another hair appointment….unless you’re paying that is. If not, Aunt Jemima, the Queen of Zamunda is here to stay!

So ladies, stop letting the representative show up in the beginning of a relationship. You come to bed all purdee (pretty) looking and then you get comfortable with your man and then BAM; you change into a holey drawers, headscarf wearing nightmare! If you wear a headscarf to bed, let it be known. Distract attention away from the headscarf. Trust, if you’re putting it down right, he’s not even worried about what’s on your head. *wink* SMOOCHES DOLLS

www.SBPRA.com/SanyaHudson-Payne

You Gave Him The Nookie, Now What?

Men, this one’s for you! Do you know how much stress is on a woman’s mind before and after she gives you the nookie? It’s like that 4th grade Science project you hope at least gets you in the finals so you can have bragging rights. So gentlemen, if you ever wanted to know what’s going on behind a woman’s smile while she is disrobing, finish reading. And scene…….

A woman knows whether or not she is going to sleep with you. She has already made up her mind either before you started to wine and dine her or after you’ve blown her mind with sexy conversations. When a woman has made up her mind to give you the nookie, she goes into preparation mode thinking of ways to provoke a man’s senses. She asks herself questions like: What panties should I wear? Thong, G-string, Boy-Shorts, No-Panties or Granny Panties (which I strongly suggest women stay away from).  Nair or a razor for my legs and the nookie-box? Do I have time for a pedicure and manicure and what color nail polish should I use? Should I eat pineapples for a week just in case he wants to go downtown? Is my nookie-box tight enough for him to not assume I’m some kind of philandering slut? Is my stomach flat enough or should I pretend and just lie flat on my back to create the illusion? Should I just let go and scream if it feels great or will he look at me like a noisy-neighbor-waker? Do we cuddle afterwards or do I give him space so he won’t think I’m sprung and about to re-enact a scene from the movie Fatal Attraction? Do I tell him to get up and get me a washcloth because I know if I get up, he’s definitely going to be watching my ass shake from left to right as I strut away? And the last question that gives us damn near panic attacks……now that I gave him the nookie will he call?

This is so crazy!!!!!!! In spite of the myriad of emotions that bombard a woman’s ability to approach this situation in a carefree manner, we still have to push through acting as if we are comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, there are various levels to a woman’s discomfort but I can attest to the fact that women can relate to what I’m writing about. If the sex was good for us, we want to know if it was good for you and if so, can we do it again? And this time, we may not have all the previous angst, but there will be some lingering anxiety. So now that you gave him the nookie, now what? Not a damn thing ladies. Let’s just try to be more comfortable in our skin! Pole dancing lessons and a dirty martini maybe?

www.SBPRA.com/SanyaHudson-Payne

Who Pays on a Date? He Does!!!!!

You’re sitting at a fine restaurant in your 5-inch heels and your outfit is absolutely to-die-for. The conversation between you and your date is flowing like silk and then the waiter comes. It’s as if the record has scratched when the waiter’s eyes play tennis as he figures out whom to give the check to. And Scene…….

You would be a fool to get caught up in such a trivial dilemma of wondering who should pay for the date. Ladies, you better cross those delicately sculptured legs of yours and without batting an eye anticipate him to pick up the check. I believe a man should always be a man and one of the requirements of a man is picking up the check. I know tons of men would beg to differ and that’s perfectly fine; those are the cheap men I won’t be dating. If a man truly likes you and enjoys your company, he will pay. This modern day role reversal where it is implied that women pay is absurd and probably created by some broke ass man who is trying to salvage his ego. Ladies, don’t be fooled.  And just to make myself clear; even if you go out as friends…..he still pays.

Some may interpret my stance as having gold-digger tendencies and I could care less! A man should be able to provide for his woman. Going out on dates is sort of like a series of auditions. The dates don’t have to be fancy and opulent, but it should be very tasteful. Imagine going out on a date and the man asks the woman to pay the bill, contribute to the bill or even leave a tip. That is just tacky. And if he doesn’t have enough money to pay the entire bill and leave a tip, leave his broke ass sitting there by his lonesome as you pick up your purse and walk out of the restaurant and out of his life.  Yeah, I said it!!

www.sanyahudsonpayne.com

Wake Me When It's Over

Imagine me standing in the middle of a stadium holding a megaphone speaking to an audience of women. Yes, I am fabulously dressed of course. And Scene……….If he’s wack, tell him!!!!

Ladies, why are many of you still subjecting yourselves to being unfulfilled by a man? I don’t care if he’s your husband, a jump-off or an occasional occupant in your rotation (I call them My Flow), if you find your eyes staring at him with contempt; tell him!!!!

I have come across so many women who will repeatedly sit, grin and tolerate uncomfortable situations and I’m sick of it. Letting their guards down and getting advice from “their girls,” they hope to be provided with direction. Puhleeze, if a man were to sit amongst a group of women sharing in female banter, he might need a therapist, a life coach and updated manuals on how to fulfill his woman. NO, we don’t want a damn threesome so stop asking! NO, we don’t like it when you pound on us like a drill that has no focus or direction; it’s just all over the place. NO, we don’t like it when you go down and act as if you only want a little taste instead of eating the entire meal. NO, we don’t like it when you go right for the bull’s-eye without paying attention to the beautifully designed map that leads to project orgasm.

I think women and men need to hone-in on their intimate skills every so often; something like a refresher course. We do it for our jobs, why not for our relationships. Ladies, stop acting like watching an x-rated movie, taking a pole dancing class, buying a few toys and exploring your own bodies is taboo. Own and feel comfortable with your Self before you start demanding someone else to fulfill your intimate needs. Stop acting like Suzie Homemaker from 1920 and get with it. I’m not promoting that women should be walking sex kittens, not at all. I still believe a woman should be a lady in the streets and a sultry kitten in the bed. Meow.

So ladies, do yourselves a favor. KNOW what it is that YOU want, FIND out how to get that pleasure and then GET IT by Telling Him What You Want! A man who wants to be with you will do everything in his power to make sure he delivers. Make a game out of it and show him if he’s a little reluctant. We all know how fragile the male ego is. Hmph.

Behind a Woman's Smile

If any man is daring enough to take a real look behind a woman’s smile I applaud his bravery to enter the world of unknown. If he’s lucky, he’ll make it out alive without being traumatized and swearing off women forever. My only suggestion to him: brace yourself for the ride of your life!

No matter what a woman is going through, she has been handed the responsibility of plastering a smile on her face. Men, you’ve seen the smile before; we sometimes wear it when we’re having sex with you. The quintessential smile that is slightly shaking while trying to maintain its exuberance. But guess what? As males, your gender innately skims the surface misconstruing superficiality for the real thing. You are so wrong.

Behind a woman’s smile there are wounds that haven’t yet healed; wounds that are drowning from many years ago and hell, maybe even from the night before.  You see, our morning rituals are something like this for most of today’s women: get up, (a quickie might be inserted here if you live with a man), fix and eat breakfast for the family (you may or may not have time to eat at the table), get the kids ready for school, get dressed, comb your hair, put on your makeup and decide which smile you want to wear for the day. Will it be the half smirk because you’re too damn tired to fake it? Or will it be the extra Marsha Brady smile that is armed with fireworks to mask your pain? Decisions. Decisions.

As for me, there have been times when I’m about to go on stage and speak before hundreds of people or about to be interviewed for a radio show or host my own radio show and I had to keep telling myself, “Pull it together Sanya. Don’t let those tears fall. You can cry in 4 maybe 6 hours.”  Some days it all catches up and I couldn’t buy a smile even if it were 75% off and on the clearance rack. So if you really want to find out who a woman really is, look behind her smile. She’s so much more than who you think she is.  The cape is off, her super-powers are gone and she is just….LOVE .

Love? I'd Rather Eat Ice Cream

Hmmmmm. This is a crazy way to welcome myself to blogging. I'm confused and just finished drinking a glass of vodka without a chaser. I just hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning regretting anything I've written. Fuck it, I'm 40 and don't feel like calling any of my friends because that shit didn't work in my 20's and 30's so why would it work now? Plus, I don't feel like hearing advice from other single women who have become just as bitter and enraged as I am.

Anyway, here goes.......after years of believing my prince charming would come, I'd rather be emotionally withdrawn and date a different man every week just on the strength of....hell, he's paying, has a great job, loves his mother, provides for his 1 or 2 children (anything else and he can kiss my ass), and is the epitome of eye candy. Go ahead say it, "Sanya, aren't you being a bit superficial?" My response, "Who gives a shit? I'm 40. Wounded and working on healing. I might feel differently next month or even next year, but tonight the wounds are fresh and speaking for me. Any problems with that, read another blog!"

But seriously, I'm not the only woman feeling this way. Maybe some of you have embraced the man you love but I guarantee there was a night where you felt just the same as I do now. Admit it. On the outside looking in people would assume I would be married by now. My credentials would have the proverbial woman walking down the street and grabbing every available man by the balls, but that isn't the case. I'm 40, a mom of a teen, a twice published author, vice president of a publishing company, a radio and web show host, educator and professional event facilitator. Resume looks stellar but does that translate into a husband? Nope, the movie has played, credits are rolling and people are filing out of the theatre onto their next experience. Don't get me wrong, I do have my choice of men. I can pick up my Blackberry at any moment, scroll through my contacts and pick a man from every letter of the alphabet but they aren't the man for me!

I just read an article that said being smart isn't the reason women are single; it's having a successful career that makes women single. Really? There may be some truth to that. I do find it difficult to divide my time between work and a man but when I do find a man who I'm willing to give my time to, something just doesn't add up. I find myself more emotionally connected than him. So at this point, those experiences have made my well emotionally dry. I hate to think I'm becoming that woman who could care less about love and spends every waking minute focused on work, but it seems as if that unemotional diva has on her stilettos and is ready to take on that position full-time.

Tonight, the woman who just drank an entire glass of vodka with no chaser would rather eat ice cream than pick up the phone when the caller ID reads an interested man is calling. And guess what? That's just what I did. I fixed myself a double scoop of strawberry ice cream on a waffle cone and when I was done, decided to get up off my ass and stop procrastinating about writing this blog and just do it. So there you have it world......Love? I'd rather eat ice cream!! (drops mic and walks away)
www.SanyaHudsonPayne.com